You’re Gonna Do It This Year.
You’re going to stop spending 25% of your day ingesting worthless, no low value infotainment at he the price of your health and wellbeing.
Hell, you made a New Years Resolution.
Like that means anything.
But sarcasm aside, this is what you’re dealing with:
It gets rough.
Mostly cause it’s like 10lbs of sh@t in a 5lbs bag, but partly cause there are lots of total A-holes out there.
Here’s your, New to the Whole Fitness Thing, survival guide.
Lets start things off with the basics:
Don’t curl in the squat rack.
This used to be “hardcore” lore, you didn’t see internet memes about it.
But now it’s everywhere and there are a whole boatload of 170lbs guys who squat 135lbs bitching and complaining about some Bro, who wasn’t them or in their circle, curling in the squat rack.
THIS has single-handedly destroyed what we worked so hard to build.
Now it’s become a joke, but dammit, it’s important.
Here’s why:
Most gyms don’t have a lot of racks so they are precious.<—-like that ring in that movie with the little people
If you want to barbell squat without a rack you’d have to:
- powerclean,
- then overhead press
- then squat,
- then press back overhead
- then ride to the floor
What are you going to use 95lbs?
But if you want to do curls?
You pick the f-ing bar up off the ground.
Ohh, you can’t pick that 85lbs up off the ground?
Maybe you should reevaluate your program there home skillet, looks like you’re struggling.
Stay out of the squat rack.
The caveats:
- No one is around
- You curl 135 or more for reps <—-which you don’t, neither do I so it doesn’t apply to you or me.
Back the F-Up
Seriously, back up.
Get away from the dumbbell rack.
Totally stolen from: http://keyfitnesstraining.com/
There is NO REASON in hell why you need to grab a pair of dumbbells and stand right there, 6 inches off the rack.
Take your dumbbells, yes carry them a few….FEW feet away from the rack and then do whatever it is that you’re gonna do.
I know the residual fatigue from having to carry them, sorry about that, you’ll just have to deal.
Stare a bit harder asshole: Part 1
Don’t stare, it’s impolite and annoying as all hell.
Never seen someone squat 4 plates?
It’s cool, stand across the room and watch politely…
From a distance.
Stay out of their field of vision, don’t be distracting,
DO NOT STAND DIRECTLY BEHIND THEM/ BESIDE THEM AND COMMENT ON THE LIFT WHILE IT’S HAPPENING
If you’re the guy who walks up, stands 2 feet off the rack and stares the whole time..
You’re distracting and an asshole.
Stare a bit harder asshole: Part 2
Some girls (and guys) do come to the gym to be looked at.
So if you’re one of them, don’t bitch and moan (cause we know it’s fake bullshit) when you get the attention you desire.
That said, guys, c’mon
Don’t be a Douche…
It makes people in general the ladies uncomfortable and if they’re my disciples they’ll probably kick the sh@t out of you right there politely ask you to stop.
You Aint That Big: Calm Down
Maybe you’ve been lifting for a little and DO have a little bit o’ muscle, it doesn’t give you the right to be an asshole.
Someone walks in front of you while you’re swoling up the gunzzz
Calm Down
Someone starts to remove your weights from the bench cause you finished, walked away, stayed away flirted with the girl who teaches spin classes, went to the bathroom, started talking on the phone and took an Instagram selfie.
Calm Down. Don’t freak out,
Just ask them to keep them on/ put them back on, it’ll be ok.
Also, Big Guy, we all know you’re like the strongest guy here, but you don’t need to go through an elaborate 10 minute psych up complete with:
- yelling
- grunting
- primal screams
- stomping
- slapping
- self encouragement
- self-deprecation
- your lifting partners verbally declaring their love for you and how you lift
- your hype man yelling, “get some”
none of its cool and it makes you an ass.
Chuck Voghelpol is MUCH stronger than you and he’s not acting like a jackass.
Ohh, ummm you’re a Trainer Right?
This happens ALL the time, people are always gonna hit up the trainer for free advice and usually it’s not a big deal, just do it with some tact.
- Dont be rude
- Do it when they clearly are NOT occupied
- Keep it simple and concise
- Do not make it a habit
But keep in mind:
Buyer beware, just cause they’re a “trainer” doesn’t mean jack sh@t.
OK, cool, so you’re asking me someone who actually knows what they’re doing. You might get some good advice.
Ask one easy to answer yes or no question or for a very easy form fix.
If the whole interaction takes any longer than a minute.
You’re a jackass.
Ohh, hey, you’re a plumber could you fix my sink, and while you’re at it my toilet isn’t flushing right and I think I have a leak downstairs, look at that real quick would ya?
See the issue?
Usually when a “trainer” has free time its between clients and we’re either
- Trying to go eat/ take a piss.
- Actually trying to train <—–DO NOT ask a question during this time, leave me alone
- Trying to leave the damn gym after being here, on the floor, for the last 12 hours.
If you have a litany of questions PAY FOR THE PROFESSIONALS TIME.
Either:
- Hire them for a session or two and learn good technique for some basic exercises.
- Write down ALL of your questions, throw them the cost of a session or less (negotiate that sh@t) and give it to them. That way they can respond to all of your questions on their free time, you get your questions answered and they make a couple bucks in the process.
Remember, that’s how they make their money, how they pay their bills,
You Don’t Work For Free Do You?
Didn’t think so.
Can I work in?
Short answer:
NO.
Long answer:
If you’re weights are similar, it’s cool.
If you’re the stronger/ weaker one its YOUR JOB to change the weights, NOT the job of the person who was already there.
Example:
Dude has 405 on the bar to squat, you walk up, fully intending to never squat above 135 and ask to “work in”.
It’s cool but it’s YOUR JOB to be the one taking plates off, and putting them back on.
Don’t worry, no self-respecting veteran lifter is going to stand there and have you do all the work.
But if you do your set at 135 and then go play on your phone, you’re making sure that was the first and last time that dude let you “work in”.
It’s Not Sweat, It’s Liquid Awesome:
No it’s not, it’s sweat.
Clean it the F*@K up.
Now, if it’s just a slight tiny bit of dampness on an edge?
It’s a gym, grow up…
You encounter grosser stuff everyday walking through the office.
But if you’re leaving puddles, clean that sh@t.
Shut Up!
Seriously, SHUT UP!
Unless you’re having a baby on the weight room floor there is no reason to be screaming all the damn time.
Yes, I’ve let my air out during a heavy lift, accidentally, and when you do that, you yell…
It’s cause the air is getting forced out.
But it’s also an error and it’s rare.
If you’re the dude screaming, yelling, telling himself to, “get some”, “get it”, “hit it hard” or any other bullsh@t saying.
Stop it and SHUT UP..no one wants to hear that crap.
The best lifters in the world don’t scream while they lift (Olympic lifters not withstanding, that’s called neural priming, it’s planned and measured and it works) so you don’t need to either.
The Gas Leak:
I don’t know how this started.
Some dude at one of my gyms started doing it like 5 years ago and now a LOT of people are doing it and I’ve heard it other places.
I don’t get it, stop it, it’s stupid.
What the hell is the point?
It’s like someone put a pin prick in you and you’re slowly leaking air with every rep.
Joe Weider Wants his Belt Back:
Don’t walk around the gym with a Weider weight belt on.
That’s so 1990’s……
#1: Those belts don’t really do anything.
Belts should be used as an active restraint, you push out into it to increase intraabdominal pressure.
These things are not nearly stiff enough to do that.
#2: You look like a moron.
Powerlifting belt, weightlifting belt?
Those can be worthwhile tools,
the Joe Weider belt, it’s a fashion accessory for the Joe Dirt’s.
Leave it at home, in the back of the closet, actually…throw it away, or bedazzle it and make it your backyard wrestling championship belt.
But don’t use it to lift weights.
This is just some of the etiquette you should know before you step foot in the gym January 2nd.
Just remember, everyone in there was a beginner at some point too.
Everybody has to start somewhere…
Good luck.
Hopefully, you can make it through the Armageddon that is January 2nd – February 1st. <—-if you can your chances of making it long-term increase exponentially.
About Roy:
